I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
