My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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