Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
