oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
