I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
