Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
