We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
