new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
