Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize