Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
