Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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