I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
