did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
