I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
