Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
