The maid of honor just puked.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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