Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
