ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
