tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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