whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
