you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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