i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
