My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
