i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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