Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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