The best revenge is premature balding
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
