I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
