Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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