Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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