I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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