I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
