I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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