I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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