True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
