There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
