I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize