i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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