Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
