i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
