I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
