im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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