saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
