We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
