Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
