If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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