I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
