i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
