I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
