left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
