I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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