So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
