Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
