I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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