fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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