Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
