News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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